Age 28, Married to David for 9 wonderful years. Crunchy, LDS, breastfeeding, clothdiapering, home educating mom to 3 lovely boys. Xander(7), Sullivan(4), and Oliver(1) and soon to be mom to a lovely 2yo girl from India. Hobbies: Scrapbooking, Home Decorating, Drawing portraits, Sewing diapers, and Reading the classics

Today's Modern Mother Going against the tide... We're adopting! Hopechild: Our adoption blog Blogroll Me! Blog's I love Memberships: Prev | List | Random | Next Powered by RingSurf! < # made by mom ? > < ? Blogging Mommies # > << i am a person of size >> August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 June 2002 May 2002 Oct 02-May 03 Credits: Hosting: Netfirms.com FastCounter by bCentral since July 9th, 2003 Main | Well, writing that did seem » May 23, 2002 I am feeling like the I am feeling like the world's biggest hypocrite today. Heavens I don't even know if I spelled that right! I am 5 days overdue with my third baby. I am wondering if there is something wrong. Sometimes I have fantasies that the baby comes so fast the midwife doesn't make it, other times I imagine that he is too big to get out and I wll need a section. Ugh. I have been planning this peaceful, natural, underwater birth for my baby for almost 10 months now, so what the heck is wrong with me? The more time that passes, the more worried I become! If he had made his appearance three weeks ago I would have been fine but now I'm a basket case! Planning a homebirth is starting to feel like a big pain in the "you know". My house is a freaking mess and I have absolutely no desire to do anything about it! I feel so bad because my friends all helped me get it ready in the first place and now I've just let it go to pot. I vowed I wouldn't get involved in writing blogs because it takes too much time. But all I want to do is waste time. Help it to pass faster because the next day may be the day I get to meet my baby. We have an appraisor coming next week who is going to die when he sees this mess. I know it will still be a mess because my DH will do nothing about it either. I am feeling so down and depressed. I want to hold my baby! I'm trying so hard to be patient, but then I will start thinking and that is bad. I have read every book in this house and can't go get more at the library because I can't afford the library fine! I have no computer games to play, the only one I like is Sim's Hot Date and I can't play it because I loaned it to a friend! AHHHH I miss my Sims! My poor boys keep asking "So Mom, what do you want to do?" And all I can say is "Nothing!" They are so bored and I think they are starting to wonder if I'm faking the pregnancy thing. That's what a friend's dh was joking about the other day. He says "So I hear you've been faking this pregnancy thing." MY DH says "Yeah, it's really me who's been carrying the baby." Laugh Laugh Laugh. PUKE! I wanted to backhand them both, the callous, insensitive, brutes! *sigh* Yesterday I read a book about faith. It said you need to set high goals for yourself and have faith you can achieve them. Isn't that what I'm doing? Yeah except it also says that when you have faith there is no room for doubt and fear. That's all I feel lately is doubt and fear. I have NO FAITH in myself, my God, anyone. Why can't I just relax and let go? Why can't this baby just come so that I can concentrate on something rather than nothing? Will I ever have faith? Will my past births haunt me forever? Will my subconcious dictate to my concious mind what I can and cannot do? How will I ever cope with life if all of this is true? I can't go through another 2 yrs of depression due to birth trauma. I need this birth to heal me damnit! Why won't I let myself have faith that all will go as I planned? When will I stop this insanity? Maybe getting this all out will help. Maybe just saying the words will help peace flow to me, Faith grow in me, and birth waves start to enfold me. Maybe...... posted by Tamra at 11:55 AM Comments The Papacy is not other than the ghost of the deceased Roman empire, sitting crowned upon the grave thereof. 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